Saturday, October 3, 2015

Touch The Sky (lyric video) - Hillsong UNITED

My go to song when things are just a little to tough and I remember I need to lay down my life.  It's human nature to want to take back control and want to do it all ourselves, but we can't, only he can.



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The Weight of Depression

My heart is heavy, not for any particular reason but for so many minuscule things. The heaviness has made it to where I can't think, I can't concentrate and I just want to sleep. I want to cry but I can't do it and it's not like life is so horrible but it just doesn't meet up to my ridiculous standards. I figured if I wrote it out that maybe I could clear my head and do my homework like I have been trying to do for 2 days but instead slept.

Depression sucks and having no one to help pick up the pieces sucks too.  But I have lost faith in people because all they do is hurt you and use you for their gain.  Yes I have acquaintances and I am all for helping people as it helps fill the voids in my life, but they are not allowed to get close to me. I don't allow much down time so that I don't have to take the time to get into my head.  I work full time, have a part time job at church and volunteer at church.  I am in school taking 4 classes (equated to full time) and have 3 of my 4 children home. I am also battling Lupus and trying to find the best way to treat it. My oldest is in tech school at the Air Force and finds out his duty station next week. For a woman so busy and constantly around others, I am so lonely.

Now I don't completely alienate myself from people, I have 2 people I will share almost everything with (when I am willing to do so) and a therapist that has been helping me get mentally healthy for a few years. But there are those times where, like the past 2 days, where I crawl into a black hole and can't find my way out.

I am so tired of the dark cloud always in the background creeping its way over me.  I am in charge of my happiness and know that no one can fill my voids or fix me. I know my children love and appreciate me and respect how hard I work.  I work so hard to show them, be an example, that no matter what life hands you, you can survive and become stronger for it. Sometimes I forget what I am working so hard for and get discouraged.  My expectations for myself and others are so high and I easily get disappointed in others but mostly in myself.

I need to refocus and find that goal I was working towards ad not get discouraged because I didn't get the grade I expected or that I don't have all A's in my classes.  Deep breath and rely on God, not myself.

Hmm... my shoulders feel a little lighter.
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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Change of Mindset

Originally I thought I was going to get on here and vent about why my mother never picks up the phone to call and talk to me and how our relationship is still so strained.  But then I looked around my house and thought about how blessed I am.  Even with all of the trials I have been through this year, I come out stronger and wiser.

I am sad that a year long relationship has come to an end, but we are better off as friends.  He is a wonderful man and was my first healthy relationship where there were no expectations and we didn't want to change each other.  I need to work more on my self love and having less expectations for myself.  We truly are our own worst enemies.  

Both of my girls have their best friends over for a New Years sleepover.  My big boy took my little boy to see the Hobbit before he goes to hang out with his friends and in the morning all we are going to see the sun rise with a cup of hot chocolate!

The New Year already has so much in store that I know about: my son turns 18, graduates high school, goes to basic training and begins his career in the Air Force, we are moving in a month, I have an interview when we go back to work.  I can't wait to see God's plan for us unfold...

With Blessings and Love,
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Saturday, December 27, 2014

Overwhelmed

I got on here tonight not sure what emotions and feelings were bubbling to the surface.  You see as a mother to four children and always having some sort of chaos and "things" to be busy with I have never done well with quiet or down time.  When my husband left a few years ago and then the divorce and shared custody of my younger two children came about I was forced into being alone and quiet time while my older two were with their father every other weekend.  I would literally pull away after dropping them off and sit at the stop sign in tears not knowing where to go or what to do. What was my purpose, who needed me, how was I going to deal with my fear of being alone and not being needed or wanted.  I soon found out how strong my stuffed issues and the voice of my inner child were and didn't know how to suppress them. I found that staying busy with girlfriends and their children helped me get the through the tough times.  I also kept busy at church or made sure I always had someplace to be or someone to help.  But still there were times I had to be alone...  I thought having a drink would help me relax but that only made my self doubt and depression worse.  I have been on medication and to therapy and I have dealt with many of my issues. But there is this one that I am still struggling with.  I am so afraid to open my eyes, mind and heart to this little girl inside of me.  Afraid of seeing, hearing and feeling the things I know she has.  The rational and logical me knows I wouldn't be reliving those things but the girl is terrified. I sit here alone in my home annoyed with myself because I know the record that plays in my head isn't real and it shouldn't have the debilitating power that it does. I am a strong woman capable of so much and I have amazing friends and some family that would do anything to help me.  My church family has shown so much love and compassion for my children and I this Christmas.  I am overwhelmed with love and acceptance from others but I can't seem to find it for myself.  I want to badly to love others but can't give it to myself.  I have this missing piece in me that longs for the love I feel was lacking my whole life.

Brilliant, wise and inspirational people say you have to love yourself and that no one can fill your expectations and give you what you need, only you can do that.  I long for love, acceptance and a human touch. How do I give that to myself?

I am overwhelmed with God's love for me as I feel so undeserving of it.  Overwhelmed Video


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Monday, August 5, 2013

Along for the Ride...

I don't know what God has planned and I am so very over trying to figure it out.  I am envisioning God driving the motorcycle while I sit in the sidecar. 

OK, maybe that is not a very good plan as I am no longer the passive person I once was.  I want to be able to be still and hear the cues from God as to what should be done and where my life should lead.  I know I need to be involved in church and be Christ-like, showing others the love God has shown us.  I know I need to be a strong self sufficient woman who is a role model for those I care about.  I know that I need to be a good mother who raises her children to be strong, loving adults who contribute to society and share the love of God.  I need to be a good daughter, friend and co-worker.  I strive to be those things, to make my parents proud, to have my children look up to me and my friends and co-workers know I would do anything to help in any situation.  But I constantly feel like I let so many people down all of the time.  I look at my life and wonder what have I done, was this all my doing?  I smile and stay strong for so many people and in the end who is strong for me?  Who in my daily life returns the favor that I try so hard to bestow upon them?  Do the people in my life feel the same way about me that I feel about them or am I kidding myself?  I don't want to be negative and grumpy but I feel absolutely alone and unwanted.  I have no clue about my future, what I want to "be" or "where" I see myself in 5 or 10 years.  All I have every really wanted is to be wanted and to feel love, I don't feel that and I am so tired of giving it only to be hurt.  I am far from perfect and have many faults but I really thought I was a "good" person.  I question my thoughts and actions wondering if my version of "good" is actually good enough.

In the past 18 months my life has been turned upside down and in 13 days another chapter closes and so many fears and unknowns start the next chapter.  I don't have a plan and I am absolutely heartbroken about the layout of how things are to proceed.  A verse is echoing in my head right now...



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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

When it rains, it pours!

This is how I feel right now...  like there is a gigantic cloud looming over me and it keeps dumping out bucket loads of water over me!  Yesterday was the day from you know where!  
  1. I went to the dentist and find out that I have to have a root canal and a crown which I don't have the money for, and I tell them this.  They tell me to apply for credit care and I will be able to make monthly payments until it is paid off.  OK, sounds like a good idea, until I go home apply and get DENIED!  Now what am I supposed to do with my broken tooth that costs $800.00 to fix...
  2. I get a phone call from the processors office that I am going to be served and sued due to non payment of a creditor from 2006 and they wanted to know if I could give them a fair counter offer and settle the dispute.  Hello there people, I dump change to make my rent payments and I can't even fix a broken tooth!  He informed me that they can garnish my wages, put liens on my property and get access to my bank account.  I would like to see a judge actually grant them to take money from a single mother of 4 children who is barely making it.  I have no property for them to put a lien on and good luck with the bank account, there is NO MONEY IN IT!
  3. My old landlord calls me because she can't get Michael to answer her calls/text messages... (he still owes back rent).  Um honey, he hardly ever answers/returns my calls, what do you think I can accomplish!
OY VEY!! 

So today I sat on the pitty pot for a while and tried to figure out what I can possibly do about any of these situations and there isn't much.  Except for the option of calling Daddy and asking if he can help with my tooth (which I really hate to do and don't want to do) there is nothing I can do about these things!  And then I remember this...


So I am going to keep hanging on, umbrella in hand, life vest on and raft ready to inflate, because really that is all I can do!

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Monday, July 9, 2012

Where has the time gone...

Not sure how time has slipped through my fingers like it has over the past few months, it has been a crazy whirlwind of a life.  I have been so busy with work, the kids and my head.  It's like I have so much swimming in my head and I am not sure how to process it all or how to deal with the emotions that I have felt.  I am completely off of my Bipolar meds and only on my hormone replacement therapy which seems to be going well.  With being off the Bipolar meds I am experiencing feelings and moods that I am not used to and I have to learn how to handle and control them...  I am so used to being "borderline" and "blah" that these ups and downs are a shock to my system.  Now they are not the Bipolar Manic and Mania ups and downs, they are the ups and downs of life and the things going on around me, processing things and seeing how I really feel and what my opinions are.  It saddens me that I don't have anyone to share these with, but it is the first time in over 20 years I have been alone, without a male counterpart.  From the age of 13 I went from boyfriend to boyfriend, serious relationship to serious relationship and marriage to marriage.  It is time for me to learn about myself and to take care of myself and of course my children.  All will be well!

On a funny note my Dad told me that I should get out there and start dating...  he said he saw the commercial for "Christian Mingle" and thought of me and how I need to join or start going to the church singles group.  I told him "NO WAY"!
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