A Mother's Utopia

My mind in is that Manic stage where I just can't keep my thought straight. I jump from one idea or topic to the next with out completely processing things. I have been so good about taking my meds (I am bipolar) but I just feel like my brain is in a whirlwind. I have so much more I want to talk about but it just isn't making ANY sense! AGH!!!!

My hunny is going to be working!!!! Woo Hoo! My husband just got a job on an as needed basis with the School District! We needed this more than you could ever know. Maybe now the electric will not get shut off and we can pay our rent! I AM SO HAPPY!!!

Good Morning!!!

I f you overlook the Way right before your eyes, how will you recognize the path beneath your feet? Shih-T'ou 6:45 I have my C offee in hand and plenty of W ork to get done in front of me, now lets see if I can get M otivated to do it! I keep drifting off thinking about the wonderful time my D addy and I are going to have in just a few days. I am so excited to see him that I think I am going to BURST , 5 days to go... 10:58 I am giving myself a pat on the back, in 3 and a half hours I set up 1 iphone , 3 Blackberry phones, 2 WeatherBug phones and a Safety Group phone! I am the GIRL !!!, NO! I AM THE WOMAN!!!

Projects, Projects, Projects... It has been such a crazy day at work. The time has flown by, but I am exhausted and my eyes actually burn from staring at the screen. Just 30 min left of my 10 hour work day!

I am just not in a good place today. I am sad and depressed. Sometimes “LOVE” just isn’t enough. I need security and know things are going to be taken care of. I am 32 years old and I have four children who I am supposed to nurture and be a role model and show them how things should be done and how not to let people walk all over you and how to be a Christian and a good person and be strong and respectful and bla bla bla. I have a husband who is depressed and lacks motivation to work and support our family. The aspect of doing things with the kids has gotten so much better than it used to be and I know he loves me, but I am still waiting for my knight in shining armor to ride up on his white horse and lead this family to a victorious life. I know that is a silly kid’s fairy tale and all but I would love something that resembles that. My therapist says not to dwell on his flaws, him not having the motivation to work, pay the bills or do anything around the house and the severe depressio...

WORD OF THE DAY: ebullient - joyfully unrestrained (bubbling over in a happy way)

I finished my book this morning ~ The Shack, it was soooo good! I am not sure what book to start next, I think I am going to go with Dean Koontz - Relentless... Some more great news... I go to see my DADDY in 13 days!!! "The great end of life is not knowledge but action." Thomas Henry Huxley

I went to a Zumba Class at the gym today after work... 4 words to describe the event - WHITE GIRL CAN'T DANCE!!! I moved as much as I could, but there is no shaking or grinding or an other kind of moving going on with this body! I stared at the instructors feet for an hour and felt like an idiot for even attempting the class. I did work up a sweat and felt pretty good physically when I left. I guess for a change of pace it is a good thing, who knows maybe I could learn a few moves... NOT!

I honestly wish I could just delete my ex husband. Like when an email pops up from him - DELETE, when he calls my cell phone - DELETE, when he texts me - DELETE, when the kids walk up and say "Dad really needs to talk to you", and it is somehting so insanely dumb - DELETE! God places people in your life and you question why. I am learning not to question him but go with the flow. I do have two beautiful children because of the relationship and when you put those two with my other two children, well life just overflows with the answer to my questions. I LOVE MY BABIES!!!

Manic Monday Today did not start off on a good note. I woke up late with my husband on the couch and the younger two in my bed… Not sure when or how that happened. After I was dressed I realized that today we started our 10 hour days and I was even later than I thought I was!! I was supposed to be at work at 6:30, I woke up at 6:45, got to work at 7:15, not bad for throwing on your clothes, getting Justin situated with his juice and gummies, waking Hannah and Michael up and throwing together a lunch. I got to work and my adopted mother, Pat was kinda cranky and questioning why I was late and not really listening to my reply… She still seems a little preoccupied about something in her personal life, I will check on her in a little bit. Tyler just sent me a text and he wants to take his PSP to extended day, where he is supposed to be a helper. He is not even a teenager yet and I think he is giving me grey hair. Today is going to be a LONG LONG LONG day, 7:15 – 5:45 at work with a 30...

Trying to make a comeback... I used to have a blog that my whole heart was poured into, but at a moment of anger and frustration and just plain done with the world I deleted it. I was in such a dark place and hurt by so many that I didn't want to share my world, I didn't want to be in the world. That was about nine months ago, and now I am reborn. I am working through my hurts and opening myself back up to the outside world. I will let you know how it goes.