A Mother's Utopia

Today I seem to be in a funk...  I just can't seem to fake it today.  I can't even seem to find the words to describe how I feel other than tired and defeated.  I think part of it is that the past two weeks we have not done our regularly schedule activities during the week (Tae Kwon Do/Therapy etc.) and this week it is back to business as usual.  An for us that means something is planned for every night and there is no down time until you crash and burn at bed time.  I don't like being in this kind of mood, it just doesn't suit me very well and I don't think I do a good job of hiding it from others.  Until tomorrow...  I am looking forward to doing Thankful Thursday, I missed it last week.

So tomorrow morning my husband and I will be getting together to talk.  What is in store, I have not a clue, what am I going to say, again no clue.  There really is no way to prepare for our meeting other that to be totally open and honest with him when he asks how I feel.  Easy right?  No...  I mean yes but no.  I don't really know how I feel, I am still so confused.  He is the one that chose to leave, I didn't want him to leave.  He walked away from his responsibilities out of anger and frustration instead of sticking around to work them out.  But maybe with all his anger it was the right thing to do.  Why doesn't anyone out there have the answers for me!  The feedback I get from others is that I am better off without him, problem is I love the man and since day one I have accepted him with all of his faults and quirks with no intention of changing him.  Now that he left I feel like there should be stipulations to him returni...

It's a sad & lonely Friday night for me.  The older two are at their dad's and my youngest daughter is at a friends house, little man is here with a friend who is sleeping over.  I was OK up until about 8:30 tonight because I was so busy running from place to place, but then it all just hits me like a ton of bricks.  Everything I have been running from all week, all the emotions and feelings flood me as I sit here at my computer.  My heart aches, but for what?  It's not like we had a healthy relationship... I miss him being here even with the tension we had between us.  I miss his smile and his quick wit and sense of humor, I miss his hugs and smart ass remarks. I don't miss the tension and uncomfortable silence or the resentment that would build up because I was the one doing everything while he sat back and relaxed.  I don't know where I have gone wrong in my relationships...  I have NEVER had a healthy relationship with a male, ever....

It is 10:40 in the morning and it is most definitely time to bring out the big guns... a Hershey chocolate bar with almonds and maybe even a Pepsi!  I had such a stressful 4 day weekend and this morning starting off the work week in such a crappy way!  Why are men into playing games?  Why can't they grow a pair and be honest about what is going through their heads instead of tip toeing around us?  I want the honest to God truth so that I can make adjustments in my life and move in some sort of direction.  This hanging in a low flying/hovering pattern and walking on egg shells is for the birds.  My children are suffering just as much as I am, if not more, because they don't know what is going on and what is going to happen.  My youngest daughter said this morning, "Your the one that has the issues with Daddy, so why do I have to suffer".  I felt like screaming and crying...  I want to tell them I am not the one with th...

Today I want to express my thankfulness for my friends.  I am blessed beyond words with amazing friends.  Some friends that I talk to on a daily basis, some I talk to once every couple of weeks when we meet for lunch and others that I never get to talk to but I know they are there and they bless me with their thoughts and prayers.  My friends love me and accept me for who I am and they don't expect anything out of me in return.  They just want me to be happy!  Imagine that, someone wants me to be happy!  My friends don't point out my imperfections, they will call me out on my crap or throw down the BS flag if needed, but they are whole hearted, sincere and loving when they do it.  They don't expect me to change who I am to suit their needs and are around when I truly need someone to talk to.  Even when I try to distance myself from the world and them, they come banging down my walls.  I love and appreciate all of my friends with all of my hea...

Underwater and sinking fast is how I feel today...  I can see the light, I kick and kick and can't seem to get up there to get my head above water.  Today I am drowning in frustration and agitation with my situation.  My home life is being lived in limbo not knowing if or when my husband is going to come back.  And really if he comes back, what is supposed to change?  I know he thinks I have things I need to change, but is he working on himself while he is away?  I honestly don't know...  Life at home is as peaceful as it can be with four children, there is no confrontation or stressful situations.  My mood is not dependant on what frame of mind my husband is in, instead my mood is reflecting how I truly feel and right now my mood sucks!  I try to have faith that things will work out, but what it they are not supposed to work out?  What happens then?  I know deep down I will be just fine with or with out him, but I hate th...

Today I feel Thankful for my children who are each so different and strong in their very own ways.  Don't get me wrong, they certainly stress me out and know how to push my buttons, but each of them has something magical about them.  I can be having the worst day ever and one of them will know just the right things to say or do that can change it all.  They remind me to live each day to the fullest and to take the time to have fun and be happy.  The four of them complete my life and give me the strength to press on each and every day.  I can see a bright future for each of them, they have such amazing potential and are scary smart.  Words could never express how proud of them I am and how much I love them.

So we have hit a small snag in our road to happiness this past weekend, my husband moved out.  The weekend was full of tears and heartache but I am doing better and so are the kids.  I am praying and hoping that it is a temporary thing and that it is just for my husband and I to get our relationship and marriage back on track.  We are such opposites when it comes to communication, I clam up and don't talk and he would love to talk about everything and anything.  So we are working on finding a happy medium and I think having the time apart we are learning to appreciate each other a lot more.  So here is to being strong, learning to speak up and letting the worries go.  I have my faith in God and know he has a glorious plan for all of this and in the end I will be stronger and wiser for going through it.

I am starting Thankful Thursday's around here...  I have so much craziness in my life that I never stop and appreciate what I have.  So today is my first Thankful Thursday post. Today I am Thankful for my Mother, we have had many years of difficult times.  Times of not understanding one another or why there was so much hurt in our relationship.  For years I have been trying to write her a letter to know how I felt growing up and explain why I feel the way I do so many years later.  Well I finally wrote that letter, which became a short story.  I invited my mother down to stay with me and she read the letter.  It was an eye opening experience that i wouldn't trade for anything.  I gained insight and knowledge about her childhood and what life has been like for her.  I learned that the things she went through in life made her who she is and yes she made mistakes but that she has ALWAYS loved me no matter what has happened between us.  Sh...