A Mother's Utopia

This is how I feel right now...  like there is a gigantic cloud looming over me and it keeps dumping out bucket loads of water over me!  Yesterday was the day from you know where!   I went to the dentist and find out that I have to have a root canal and a crown which I don't have the money for, and I tell them this.  They tell me to apply for credit care and I will be able to make monthly payments until it is paid off.  OK, sounds like a good idea, until I go home apply and get DENIED!  Now what am I supposed to do with my broken tooth that costs $800.00 to fix... I get a phone call from the processors office that I am going to be served and sued due to non payment of a creditor from 2006 and they wanted to know if I could give them a fair counter offer and settle the dispute.  Hello there people, I dump change to make my rent payments and I can't even fix a broken tooth!  He informed me that they can garnish my wages, put liens...

Not sure how time has slipped through my fingers like it has over the past few months, it has been a crazy whirlwind of a life.  I have been so busy with work, the kids and my head.  It's like I have so much swimming in my head and I am not sure how to process it all or how to deal with the emotions that I have felt.  I am completely off of my Bipolar meds and only on my hormone replacement therapy which seems to be going well.  With being off the Bipolar meds I am experiencing feelings and moods that I am not used to and I have to learn how to handle and control them...  I am so used to being "borderline" and "blah" that these ups and downs are a shock to my system.  Now they are not the Bipolar Manic and Mania ups and downs, they are the ups and downs of life and the things going on around me, processing things and seeing how I really feel and what my opinions are.  It saddens me that I don't have anyone to share these with, but it is the first ...

I haven't been posting much because 1. I don't have internet at home and 2. I have been so swamped at work that I haven't been taking my 15 minute breaks.  Life has been very difficult over the past 2 weeks with living in a new place and trying to get situated and the emotional roller coaster I am on with my husband.  I found out last week that he is seriously considering "renting out" half of the house to a co-worker and her son.  Yup! You know damn well that a guy doesn't just decide to "rent out" half the house to a "co-worker".  He is so self absorbed right now that he isn't even thinking about how that is going to make his children feel.  Can you imagine going to stay with your Dad for the weekend and the house you lived in is completely redone and redecorated and has some strange woman and her kid in it!  I feel so bad for my children.  Once I processed what he is doing it hit me that he has probably built up a relationsh...

Where are the days going?  I cannot get over how fast things are happening and how time is flying by. Before I know it summer will be here and the kids will be out of school and I will be stuck working 10 hour days. The move went great.  I drove the U-Haul and did great at it!!! My sister came over from Naples to help out, and she was a huge help in many different ways.  I also had 3 people from work load the truck and then another friend from work came with his twin boys to help unload.  They stayed and put the bunk beds together and put together my new cabinet to store my pantry items.  My girlfriend ran to the store and got them drinks, chips and ice while my sister bought pizza.  I even had a surprise visit from Pat (my other mother) while we were unloading.  It really was a great day and I was to busy to let my emotions get the best of me!  I have a few boxes left to unpack and things to hang on the wall, but it is coming together...

Inner Strength - your survival instinct...  I am so Thankful that I have inner strength, the drive and determination that comes out at that last possible second when you think you have nothing left in you. I am a pretty stubborn person and I won't "allow" things to come crashing down and take away my spirit, I just keep trucking on and on and on like the energizer bunny. Something gets in my way and I either plow right through it like a linebacker or I stuff it down inside and try to deal with it later.  I have to say with my current situation I have taken the bull by the horns and just done what needs to be done as far as getting a place of my own and taking on the bills etc, but the emotional side of it I have stuffed deep down inside of me and it keeps trying to rear it's ugly head the past couple of days.  I am sad about the separation and about how things have turned out, it breaks my heart.  But you go on, I have learned to let go of things.  I am in cont...

This is currently my life...  surrounded by boxes trying to pack everything we need and use and getting rid of the things we don't or can't take because they won't fit.  It will be good to get into a smaller place that is more manageable.  I plan on starting right in with the kids and their chores and establishing rules for keeping things clean and up off the floor.  So I haven't disappeared off the planet, just behind thousands of boxes.

I have my journal and I have my blog and my mind is so bad that I don't know what I write where.  I know I went through the thoughts and put them down someplace but was it in my blog or did I journal it?  And sometimes I think of something so great and by the time I get to my blog or journal, I have forgotten what it is that had me so inspired or what I worked through...  Life is one big ball of peaceful chaos for me lately.  I am at peace but my life is chaotic and crazy, does that even make sense?  I had a garage sale this weekend and did pretty good, I have my first months rent ready, now I just have to come up with the security deposit and last months rent.  After the garage sale I threw everything back in my garage and am going to do it all over again in 2 weeks.  (I really just want House of Hope, Faith Farm or Goodwill to back a truck up to my garage and take it all!) I can't believe in a few weeks I will be moving from a four b...

Today I am Thankful for strength.  It seems like an odd thing to think of to be thankful for, but today that is what comes to mind.  I am Thankful that I have the strength to move on and move forward in my life even when I am dealt a tough hand.  I am Thankful for the strength God has given me to get through these tough situations and that I haven't given up on life like I have had the inclination to do in the past.  I have shown myself that I am a strong and courageous woman and I can handle so much more than I give myself credit for.  I have the strength and make the choice to wake up, and once I have had my coffee, put a smile on my face and be grateful I am here another day.  I am woman, hear me roar!

Is it possible to be at peace yet stressed?  That's how I feel...  I guess the peace part is that I am at peace with my choices but I am stressed with what lies ahead since making the choice.  I remember hearing something about the yin and yang of life and that life is learning to balance them out.  At times you will be more yang (Yang is fast, hard, solid, focused, hot, dry, and aggressive; and is associated with fire, sky, the sun, masculinity and daytime) and other times you have more yin (Yin is characterized as slow, soft, yielding, diffuse, cold, wet, and passive; and is associated with water, earth, the moon, femininity and nighttime).  I guess balance is the key to many things in life because we are never going to have the perfect stress free life.  There is always going to be something going on in your life that rocks the boat, but it is how you handle the rocking.  Do you sit calmly with your life vest on and ride it out o...

Today I am Thankful for the ability to forgive.  Many people just don't seem to have this ability or they find it very difficult to forgive those that have hurt or wronged them.  I know I have been hurt a lot and holding on to that hurt doesn't do me any good, it is actually unhealthy to hold on to it.  It seems to me that those people that forgive and move on tend to have more peace within them and I for one want to be at peace.  These days I try not to hold grudges and move on fairly quickly.  Can one forgive too quickly?  There are some issues from my childhood that I have held on to until just recently and learned to forgive and it has helped the relationship to grow and change into a healthy friendship.  If I could move on from that, then I can forgive, move on and transform my end of any relationship!  P.S.  I have to throw in a funny Thankful ~ I think many women out there are Thankful that they have a womens...

That's me up there, a space cadet...  I am floating around space not accomplishing much of anything.  Had my coffee, took my meds and I am still tired, no energy and no focus.  Houston, I need help landing! 

I found and old journal of mine from the middle of 2008 beginning of 2009, that was such a difficult and dark time for me.  I blogged during that time but ended up hurt and out of frustration and anger I deleted the account, I wish I hadn't because it is so amazing to be able to look back at the bad and good things.  I can look back in my journal and see who was there for me in my difficult times and be reminded of why those times were so hard.  I can also see what has changed in my life and the things I was struggling with that still to this day are struggles in my life.  I may be going through a lot in my life right now with my separation and the chaos of having four children and working two jobs but I see growth and progress in my life.  God puts us through tough times so we can learn, so we can look back and say "I made it", "Thank you Jesus, I made it".  So today, I say, Thank You Jesus, I made it through that and wit...

I started attending a new church, I have been twice and I LOVE it!  It is a small country church that doesn't have it's priorities on politics but on people!  They just went on a missions trip to help tornado victims last week and next weekend they are doing a barn raising for a family in the congregation.  How awesome is that, a barn raising!!!  The music is from the heart and not a big production and the message is relavant and actually touches me.  We are talking about "The Way of the Cross" Here are some samples of what I have taken from the messages so far: 1.  We can chose to do 3 things with the cross...  we can resent it, avoid it or we can carry it.  The Cross demands determination (Matthew 16:24)  Daily we need to choose to live for Christ, to stop and remember to pick up and carry the Cross. 2.  What is my destination, where am I headed?  Heaven is the destination, the cross is how we get there.  There ...

I am Thankful every morning when I wake up and realize the Lord has given me the gift of another day to improve on yesterday and hopefully be used to make someone else’s day a little bit brighter.