Sad & Lonely
It's a sad & lonely Friday night for me. The older two are at their dad's and my youngest daughter is at a friends house, little man is here with a friend who is sleeping over. I was OK up until about 8:30 tonight because I was so busy running from place to place, but then it all just hits me like a ton of bricks. Everything I have been running from all week, all the emotions and feelings flood me as I sit here at my computer. My heart aches, but for what? It's not like we had a healthy relationship... I miss him being here even with the tension we had between us. I miss his smile and his quick wit and sense of humor, I miss his hugs and smart ass remarks. I don't miss the tension and uncomfortable silence or the resentment that would build up because I was the one doing everything while he sat back and relaxed.
I don't know where I have gone wrong in my relationships... I have NEVER had a healthy relationship with a male, ever. I am independant and quiet and take charge to get things done when I want them done and I make sure they are done right the first time. Granted I procrastinate things because if I can't do it right the first time I am not going to attempt to do it at all, but I am a loving person, the kind of whole hearted love you with everything I have kind of person. A relationship is "give and take", but I am a giver and not a taker. I am that way in all of my relationships including friends and family. I am a giver of my time and services of my love (heart & soul) but not of my emotions or feelings because those could end up being a burden and not a gift. I have this over whelming fear of being a "nag" or of coming across as a "bitch" that I don't share things with people, even those closest to me. I hold it all in and suffer silently. My husband has asked so many times to share my burdens and problems but I just don't know how and now I am afraid it is to late.
I know I have the issue of not opening up and sharing that needs to be worked on and I am working on it with my therapist, but he has crap to work on too! I know it's not all me, but sometimes it is hard not to feel that way. I need to work on my self love and finding my own happiness and not rely on someone else to give it to me or make me happy. For tonight I will sit back, sip my wine and listen to some music and try to figure some little aspect of my life out, alone.
I don't know where I have gone wrong in my relationships... I have NEVER had a healthy relationship with a male, ever. I am independant and quiet and take charge to get things done when I want them done and I make sure they are done right the first time. Granted I procrastinate things because if I can't do it right the first time I am not going to attempt to do it at all, but I am a loving person, the kind of whole hearted love you with everything I have kind of person. A relationship is "give and take", but I am a giver and not a taker. I am that way in all of my relationships including friends and family. I am a giver of my time and services of my love (heart & soul) but not of my emotions or feelings because those could end up being a burden and not a gift. I have this over whelming fear of being a "nag" or of coming across as a "bitch" that I don't share things with people, even those closest to me. I hold it all in and suffer silently. My husband has asked so many times to share my burdens and problems but I just don't know how and now I am afraid it is to late.
I know I have the issue of not opening up and sharing that needs to be worked on and I am working on it with my therapist, but he has crap to work on too! I know it's not all me, but sometimes it is hard not to feel that way. I need to work on my self love and finding my own happiness and not rely on someone else to give it to me or make me happy. For tonight I will sit back, sip my wine and listen to some music and try to figure some little aspect of my life out, alone.
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