Who knows... I sure don't

So tomorrow morning my husband and I will be getting together to talk.  What is in store, I have not a clue, what am I going to say, again no clue.  There really is no way to prepare for our meeting other that to be totally open and honest with him when he asks how I feel.  Easy right?  No...  I mean yes but no.  I don't really know how I feel, I am still so confused.  He is the one that chose to leave, I didn't want him to leave.  He walked away from his responsibilities out of anger and frustration instead of sticking around to work them out.  But maybe with all his anger it was the right thing to do.  Why doesn't anyone out there have the answers for me!  The feedback I get from others is that I am better off without him, problem is I love the man and since day one I have accepted him with all of his faults and quirks with no intention of changing him.  Now that he left I feel like there should be stipulations to him returning, and that's if he even wants to return.  It's not right to expect each other to change, we are who we are. Right?  I wish I had people who followed my blog so I could get some feedback.  Would you expect your significant other to change if you were not happy, would you change for your significant other? 

I want my husband to be happy, but I can not make him happy.  Only he can find his own happiness.  He is not willing to adjust his meds or go to another therapist because he thinks I depend on the meds to much and he has had to many failed therapists.  But did they fail him or did he high tail it when things got to difficult to deal with?  I don't know because I never asked.  I don't push and ask because I feel like he would share if he wanted to, but he thinks I am intuitive to his needs and know when and what to ask or say and what moment is appropriate to do so.  I am not that person he thinks I am.

On the outside I appear to be a strong woman but inside I am a small child afraid of so many things with no self confidence, afraid to make decisions or to have an opinion about anything because I could be wrong.  I have a hard time relying on people because I have been hurt so many times throughout my life.  I have been through so many traumatic experiences in my life that I guard myself from everything and anyone, even my husband.  I know that has to be difficult for my husband to know and to deal with and after 12 years of being together I should be able to trust and know he would not hurt me, but isn't that what he is doing right now...  I could sit here all night typing to myself and I won't figure one thing out.  I will go through one thousand different feelings and emotions and start right back where I started.  But sometimes I gain a little insight about myself or I have an "AH HA" moment and walk away a little smarter.

I am hoping by blogging I can try to come out of my shell and get to know myself better.  Have an outlet for my thoughts, feelings and even my anger and resentment.  I hope one day I can look back on my life and see that there has been growth and changes for the better.  Wish me luck!