Random Ramblings
I really need to start writing things down when I think about them... because then when I sit down to think about them, the thoughts are gone... poof, I don't remember a thing! It's 10:30 and I am usually asleep by now but for some reason I just can't wind down and go to sleep. I hope I don't have a repeat of last Saturday night. I went to bed around 1:30 and got up at 4:30, nothing specific on my mind just a mish mosh of things that are going on in my life. Right now I am staring at the screen trying to think of one thing to focus on...
I want to turn husband's office into a bedroom for my 15 year old. He is at an age where he needs his privacy and the poor kid shares a room with a 6 year old who doesn't clean up anything and likes to get into everything. I think it would be a great opportunity for him to prove to me he can be mature when it comes to his siblings and how he treats them and in return he can get his own room.
I cleaned and rearranged alot over the weekend. Not that you could tell I cleaned by the way things look right now. I cleaned off his dresser and put things away so I didn't have to look at them anymore. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomache that he isn't coming back any time soon... He is in for a shock when he comes to get the kids one day this week. We went on a "date" last friday night, it was okay, nothing spectacular. Granted he has this iron deficiency thing and has to get an IV drip of iron once a week for the next 12 weeks, but he was so tired that it made the experience not so great. We did talk about things and at this point we agree that we can't go back to the way things were and we both have to learn to live life again. Not really sure if that means together or apart yet. I am going to therapy and taking my meds like a good girl, but he is not going to therapy and he has lessened his medication on his own. He thinks we put to many expectations into how we are going to feel on our meds and that often the meds lessen the feelings or the ability to deal with those feelings. When I am off my meds I am a basket case... I am so emotional and cry about every little thing, I can't think or do any little task with out breaking down. Without my meds I am usless, but I say how I feel. On my meds I act like super woman and tackle anything in my way except saying how I feel. I shove the feelings aside and just deal with the issue at hand without asking for any help. That is his major problem, that I don't ask for help, say how I feel, tell him what I want or need and I don't express my opinions. He said that him not being around makes him realize exactly how much I do and have done for so long, yet he hasn't bothered to step up and help in any way shape or form. I am expected to ask for help in order to get any. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT! I have NEVER done it in my 34 years and don't know how to change that, but I am willing to try to change that. What is he willing to do??? Good question... In a month I have seen no change, no effort and things seem to have gotten worse between us, not better. I feel like he wants me to chase after him, and I am not going to do that, I am not going to beg him to come back. He needs to make some changes in his life in order for me to even consider having him come back, there has to be, not rules or regulations, but expectations that have to be agreeded upon. What is a girl to do? I don't have the answers, do you?
On a positive note I went to a quaint little country church over the weekend! I was very happy with the pastor and the service and the kiddos even said they wanted to go back. I am pretty sure we have finally found our church home. What happened to the old church we used to attend? You don't want to get me started on that place! I still work there on saturdays but attend a service, NO THANK YOU! I haven't been fed spiritually there in years and the politics and gossip are followed more than God's word. They have gotten "too big for their britches" and have lost touch with what they started out to do so many years ago.
I am thinking about going to a photography class with my girlfriend. I need to do something that I enjoy and I love taking pictures and capturing memories that make me, or anyone for that matter, smile. Another thing I am thinking about is attending a local Women's Conference at a church nearby, problem is that it is the same night that we are supposed to go on our next date... I am sure I could move somethings around and get him to watch the kids for the conference and then go out the next night.
I guess I should head off to bed, but I am still WIDE awake. Good night!
I want to turn husband's office into a bedroom for my 15 year old. He is at an age where he needs his privacy and the poor kid shares a room with a 6 year old who doesn't clean up anything and likes to get into everything. I think it would be a great opportunity for him to prove to me he can be mature when it comes to his siblings and how he treats them and in return he can get his own room.
I cleaned and rearranged alot over the weekend. Not that you could tell I cleaned by the way things look right now. I cleaned off his dresser and put things away so I didn't have to look at them anymore. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomache that he isn't coming back any time soon... He is in for a shock when he comes to get the kids one day this week. We went on a "date" last friday night, it was okay, nothing spectacular. Granted he has this iron deficiency thing and has to get an IV drip of iron once a week for the next 12 weeks, but he was so tired that it made the experience not so great. We did talk about things and at this point we agree that we can't go back to the way things were and we both have to learn to live life again. Not really sure if that means together or apart yet. I am going to therapy and taking my meds like a good girl, but he is not going to therapy and he has lessened his medication on his own. He thinks we put to many expectations into how we are going to feel on our meds and that often the meds lessen the feelings or the ability to deal with those feelings. When I am off my meds I am a basket case... I am so emotional and cry about every little thing, I can't think or do any little task with out breaking down. Without my meds I am usless, but I say how I feel. On my meds I act like super woman and tackle anything in my way except saying how I feel. I shove the feelings aside and just deal with the issue at hand without asking for any help. That is his major problem, that I don't ask for help, say how I feel, tell him what I want or need and I don't express my opinions. He said that him not being around makes him realize exactly how much I do and have done for so long, yet he hasn't bothered to step up and help in any way shape or form. I am expected to ask for help in order to get any. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT! I have NEVER done it in my 34 years and don't know how to change that, but I am willing to try to change that. What is he willing to do??? Good question... In a month I have seen no change, no effort and things seem to have gotten worse between us, not better. I feel like he wants me to chase after him, and I am not going to do that, I am not going to beg him to come back. He needs to make some changes in his life in order for me to even consider having him come back, there has to be, not rules or regulations, but expectations that have to be agreeded upon. What is a girl to do? I don't have the answers, do you?
On a positive note I went to a quaint little country church over the weekend! I was very happy with the pastor and the service and the kiddos even said they wanted to go back. I am pretty sure we have finally found our church home. What happened to the old church we used to attend? You don't want to get me started on that place! I still work there on saturdays but attend a service, NO THANK YOU! I haven't been fed spiritually there in years and the politics and gossip are followed more than God's word. They have gotten "too big for their britches" and have lost touch with what they started out to do so many years ago.
I am thinking about going to a photography class with my girlfriend. I need to do something that I enjoy and I love taking pictures and capturing memories that make me, or anyone for that matter, smile. Another thing I am thinking about is attending a local Women's Conference at a church nearby, problem is that it is the same night that we are supposed to go on our next date... I am sure I could move somethings around and get him to watch the kids for the conference and then go out the next night.
I guess I should head off to bed, but I am still WIDE awake. Good night!
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