Along for the Ride...
I don't know what God has planned and I am so very over trying to figure it out. I am envisioning God driving the motorcycle while I sit in the sidecar.
OK, maybe that is not a very good plan as I am no longer the passive person I once was. I want to be able to be still and hear the cues from God as to what should be done and where my life should lead. I know I need to be involved in church and be Christ-like, showing others the love God has shown us. I know I need to be a strong self sufficient woman who is a role model for those I care about. I know that I need to be a good mother who raises her children to be strong, loving adults who contribute to society and share the love of God. I need to be a good daughter, friend and co-worker. I strive to be those things, to make my parents proud, to have my children look up to me and my friends and co-workers know I would do anything to help in any situation. But I constantly feel like I let so many people down all of the time. I look at my life and wonder what have I done, was this all my doing? I smile and stay strong for so many people and in the end who is strong for me? Who in my daily life returns the favor that I try so hard to bestow upon them? Do the people in my life feel the same way about me that I feel about them or am I kidding myself? I don't want to be negative and grumpy but I feel absolutely alone and unwanted. I have no clue about my future, what I want to "be" or "where" I see myself in 5 or 10 years. All I have every really wanted is to be wanted and to feel love, I don't feel that and I am so tired of giving it only to be hurt. I am far from perfect and have many faults but I really thought I was a "good" person. I question my thoughts and actions wondering if my version of "good" is actually good enough.
In the past 18 months my life has been turned upside down and in 13 days another chapter closes and so many fears and unknowns start the next chapter. I don't have a plan and I am absolutely heartbroken about the layout of how things are to proceed. A verse is echoing in my head right now...
OK, maybe that is not a very good plan as I am no longer the passive person I once was. I want to be able to be still and hear the cues from God as to what should be done and where my life should lead. I know I need to be involved in church and be Christ-like, showing others the love God has shown us. I know I need to be a strong self sufficient woman who is a role model for those I care about. I know that I need to be a good mother who raises her children to be strong, loving adults who contribute to society and share the love of God. I need to be a good daughter, friend and co-worker. I strive to be those things, to make my parents proud, to have my children look up to me and my friends and co-workers know I would do anything to help in any situation. But I constantly feel like I let so many people down all of the time. I look at my life and wonder what have I done, was this all my doing? I smile and stay strong for so many people and in the end who is strong for me? Who in my daily life returns the favor that I try so hard to bestow upon them? Do the people in my life feel the same way about me that I feel about them or am I kidding myself? I don't want to be negative and grumpy but I feel absolutely alone and unwanted. I have no clue about my future, what I want to "be" or "where" I see myself in 5 or 10 years. All I have every really wanted is to be wanted and to feel love, I don't feel that and I am so tired of giving it only to be hurt. I am far from perfect and have many faults but I really thought I was a "good" person. I question my thoughts and actions wondering if my version of "good" is actually good enough.
In the past 18 months my life has been turned upside down and in 13 days another chapter closes and so many fears and unknowns start the next chapter. I don't have a plan and I am absolutely heartbroken about the layout of how things are to proceed. A verse is echoing in my head right now...
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