Overwhelmed

I got on here tonight not sure what emotions and feelings were bubbling to the surface.  You see as a mother to four children and always having some sort of chaos and "things" to be busy with I have never done well with quiet or down time.  When my husband left a few years ago and then the divorce and shared custody of my younger two children came about I was forced into being alone and quiet time while my older two were with their father every other weekend.  I would literally pull away after dropping them off and sit at the stop sign in tears not knowing where to go or what to do. What was my purpose, who needed me, how was I going to deal with my fear of being alone and not being needed or wanted.  I soon found out how strong my stuffed issues and the voice of my inner child were and didn't know how to suppress them. I found that staying busy with girlfriends and their children helped me get the through the tough times.  I also kept busy at church or made sure I always had someplace to be or someone to help.  But still there were times I had to be alone...  I thought having a drink would help me relax but that only made my self doubt and depression worse.  I have been on medication and to therapy and I have dealt with many of my issues. But there is this one that I am still struggling with.  I am so afraid to open my eyes, mind and heart to this little girl inside of me.  Afraid of seeing, hearing and feeling the things I know she has.  The rational and logical me knows I wouldn't be reliving those things but the girl is terrified. I sit here alone in my home annoyed with myself because I know the record that plays in my head isn't real and it shouldn't have the debilitating power that it does. I am a strong woman capable of so much and I have amazing friends and some family that would do anything to help me.  My church family has shown so much love and compassion for my children and I this Christmas.  I am overwhelmed with love and acceptance from others but I can't seem to find it for myself.  I want to badly to love others but can't give it to myself.  I have this missing piece in me that longs for the love I feel was lacking my whole life.

Brilliant, wise and inspirational people say you have to love yourself and that no one can fill your expectations and give you what you need, only you can do that.  I long for love, acceptance and a human touch. How do I give that to myself?

I am overwhelmed with God's love for me as I feel so undeserving of it.  Overwhelmed Video