The Weight of Depression
My heart is heavy, not for any particular reason but for so many minuscule things. The heaviness has made it to where I can't think, I can't concentrate and I just want to sleep. I want to cry but I can't do it and it's not like life is so horrible but it just doesn't meet up to my ridiculous standards. I figured if I wrote it out that maybe I could clear my head and do my homework like I have been trying to do for 2 days but instead slept.
Depression sucks and having no one to help pick up the pieces sucks too. But I have lost faith in people because all they do is hurt you and use you for their gain. Yes I have acquaintances and I am all for helping people as it helps fill the voids in my life, but they are not allowed to get close to me. I don't allow much down time so that I don't have to take the time to get into my head. I work full time, have a part time job at church and volunteer at church. I am in school taking 4 classes (equated to full time) and have 3 of my 4 children home. I am also battling Lupus and trying to find the best way to treat it. My oldest is in tech school at the Air Force and finds out his duty station next week. For a woman so busy and constantly around others, I am so lonely.
Now I don't completely alienate myself from people, I have 2 people I will share almost everything with (when I am willing to do so) and a therapist that has been helping me get mentally healthy for a few years. But there are those times where, like the past 2 days, where I crawl into a black hole and can't find my way out.
I am so tired of the dark cloud always in the background creeping its way over me. I am in charge of my happiness and know that no one can fill my voids or fix me. I know my children love and appreciate me and respect how hard I work. I work so hard to show them, be an example, that no matter what life hands you, you can survive and become stronger for it. Sometimes I forget what I am working so hard for and get discouraged. My expectations for myself and others are so high and I easily get disappointed in others but mostly in myself.
I need to refocus and find that goal I was working towards ad not get discouraged because I didn't get the grade I expected or that I don't have all A's in my classes. Deep breath and rely on God, not myself.
Hmm... my shoulders feel a little lighter.
Depression sucks and having no one to help pick up the pieces sucks too. But I have lost faith in people because all they do is hurt you and use you for their gain. Yes I have acquaintances and I am all for helping people as it helps fill the voids in my life, but they are not allowed to get close to me. I don't allow much down time so that I don't have to take the time to get into my head. I work full time, have a part time job at church and volunteer at church. I am in school taking 4 classes (equated to full time) and have 3 of my 4 children home. I am also battling Lupus and trying to find the best way to treat it. My oldest is in tech school at the Air Force and finds out his duty station next week. For a woman so busy and constantly around others, I am so lonely.
Now I don't completely alienate myself from people, I have 2 people I will share almost everything with (when I am willing to do so) and a therapist that has been helping me get mentally healthy for a few years. But there are those times where, like the past 2 days, where I crawl into a black hole and can't find my way out.
I am so tired of the dark cloud always in the background creeping its way over me. I am in charge of my happiness and know that no one can fill my voids or fix me. I know my children love and appreciate me and respect how hard I work. I work so hard to show them, be an example, that no matter what life hands you, you can survive and become stronger for it. Sometimes I forget what I am working so hard for and get discouraged. My expectations for myself and others are so high and I easily get disappointed in others but mostly in myself.
I need to refocus and find that goal I was working towards ad not get discouraged because I didn't get the grade I expected or that I don't have all A's in my classes. Deep breath and rely on God, not myself.
Hmm... my shoulders feel a little lighter.
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