A Broken Monster
All of these old posts, the things I have experienced, endured and come through in my life time. Yet some of them still haunt me. How do we leave them behind, move on and not dwell?
I talked with a friend tonight about how someone we mutually know reached out to me asking me if I would reconsider a relationship with my ex-husband. I didn't think that this really bothered me until I heard about how he feels like he learned from his mistakes, regrets what he did and how he acted and he is still pining after me on social media nearly and year and a half later and is still so sad and con't move on. The people who are his friends must think I am the biggest bitch! Ex-husband number 3... like really. How can
I laugh at my blog title, A Mother's Utopia. Like what in my life has been anywhere near Utopia? It is a far off distant place that I dream of, that I wish I could have, but it is not real.
I have avoided feeling and thinking since my divorce, honestly I think I stopped feeling long ago. I have gone into self preservation mode to work and take care of the 3 children that are still home. I left a toxic relationship, and a year later a toxic job and I have spent the last 3 months learning a new job with what little confidence I have left and bsing myself. I am so tired.
I know none of this makes sense to anyone who would ever come across and read it. I get it, it is a garbled mess in my head and I am trying to get it out and understand it myself.
I feel raw, broken, unwanted and unable to be in a relationship where I don't bend and compromise myself to a breaking point. It's like I want the relationships so badly that I bend and morph into what I think the person wants, completely compromising myself and my children, to the point where I am going to break. Break so badly that I can't function and I run from the person and situation before I end up in a place where I need intervention from medical professionals, yeah depression so bad I don't want to be here but I have children and family and could never do something so horrific to them, but it is unbearable pain. So I run or shut down or push them away. I am the one who hurts people, not on purpose but that's the way it feels. I.AM.A.MONSTER.
These are my feelings, my emotions, the alcohol (a couple of vodka with a splash of cranberry's tonight) that let my guard down and let the feelings creep in. No doubt they have been creeping in for weeks and they keep getting shoved in a hole because I don't know what they are or where they come from or why they keep showing up and I don't fucking want them... These things that I keep at arms length for so long and then all of a sudden they come crashing down on me. Most of the time the logical, over achieving, persistent, always want to please person is in control and boy does she work tirelesly to meet her unrealistic expectations but that has been hard lately. The sad chick has crept in through one of those broken cracks and sneakily peeled the "everything is fine" mask away.
I have lived this cycle, know the signs thankfully called about to make an appointment with my doctor and had an appointment with her and am back on antidepressants, so the devil and the angel are balancing each other out to keep me moving forward and aware of where I am.
This freaking Covid19, quarantine, missing other adults, work at home, school at home, compromised immune system (but don't think negative, don't watch the news, don't watch the updates to avoid the worry). Uproot my OCD teenager's high school routine that she needs, her boyfriend breaks up with her, her shit "girlfriends" dump her and her anxiety and depression are in full swing. Teenage son who doesn't open up about anything and jokes about everything who longs for the ability to numb himself with pot but he is stuck in a house with no freedom or privacy because he doesn't even have his own room. A daughter who worries tirelessly about me, is trying to plan her best friends bridal shower, works for a family who has a special needs child who she loves and worries about tremedously and lifts her family and friends up to God so faithfully. A son who is in the military with his struggles and trials that he is going through with mental health, work and his wife. All of that doesn't help... but then I look at he world and all the shit people are going through and who am I to feel weighed down, sad and depressed because it could be so much worse. So, push it back in that hole and keep trucking right? Give it to God? Pray about it? See a counselor? Go to therapy? Done it all so many times and yet here I am still trying to be in control. There is nothing here I have control of other than how I react to these things. Right now I hurt, I question, I don't like how I see myself, I am tired of pretending I am ok. Tomorrow, the logical me will kick in and keep it moving.
I am not a monster, I am a human who loves whole heartedly and to the ends of the earth if she is loved, listened to and respected. The hurts have outweighed the healthy and it has taken such a toll. I honestly don't see my heart breaking out of the prison it is in.
Hugs and well wishes,
One Day At A Time
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