A Mother's Utopia

I don't know what God has planned and I am so very over trying to figure it out.  I am envisioning God driving the motorcycle while I sit in the sidecar.  OK, maybe that is not a very good plan as I am no longer the passive person I once was.  I want to be able to be still and hear the cues from God as to what should be done and where my life should lead.  I know I need to be involved in church and be Christ-like, showing others the love God has shown us.  I know I need to be a strong self sufficient woman who is a role model for those I care about.  I know that I need to be a good mother who raises her children to be strong, loving adults who contribute to society and share the love of God.  I need to be a good daughter, friend and co-worker.  I strive to be those things, to make my parents proud, to have my children look up to me and my friends and co-workers know I would do anything to help in any situation.  But I constantly feel like I...

This is how I feel right now...  like there is a gigantic cloud looming over me and it keeps dumping out bucket loads of water over me!  Yesterday was the day from you know where!   I went to the dentist and find out that I have to have a root canal and a crown which I don't have the money for, and I tell them this.  They tell me to apply for credit care and I will be able to make monthly payments until it is paid off.  OK, sounds like a good idea, until I go home apply and get DENIED!  Now what am I supposed to do with my broken tooth that costs $800.00 to fix... I get a phone call from the processors office that I am going to be served and sued due to non payment of a creditor from 2006 and they wanted to know if I could give them a fair counter offer and settle the dispute.  Hello there people, I dump change to make my rent payments and I can't even fix a broken tooth!  He informed me that they can garnish my wages, put liens...

Not sure how time has slipped through my fingers like it has over the past few months, it has been a crazy whirlwind of a life.  I have been so busy with work, the kids and my head.  It's like I have so much swimming in my head and I am not sure how to process it all or how to deal with the emotions that I have felt.  I am completely off of my Bipolar meds and only on my hormone replacement therapy which seems to be going well.  With being off the Bipolar meds I am experiencing feelings and moods that I am not used to and I have to learn how to handle and control them...  I am so used to being "borderline" and "blah" that these ups and downs are a shock to my system.  Now they are not the Bipolar Manic and Mania ups and downs, they are the ups and downs of life and the things going on around me, processing things and seeing how I really feel and what my opinions are.  It saddens me that I don't have anyone to share these with, but it is the first ...

I haven't been posting much because 1. I don't have internet at home and 2. I have been so swamped at work that I haven't been taking my 15 minute breaks.  Life has been very difficult over the past 2 weeks with living in a new place and trying to get situated and the emotional roller coaster I am on with my husband.  I found out last week that he is seriously considering "renting out" half of the house to a co-worker and her son.  Yup! You know damn well that a guy doesn't just decide to "rent out" half the house to a "co-worker".  He is so self absorbed right now that he isn't even thinking about how that is going to make his children feel.  Can you imagine going to stay with your Dad for the weekend and the house you lived in is completely redone and redecorated and has some strange woman and her kid in it!  I feel so bad for my children.  Once I processed what he is doing it hit me that he has probably built up a relationsh...

Where are the days going?  I cannot get over how fast things are happening and how time is flying by. Before I know it summer will be here and the kids will be out of school and I will be stuck working 10 hour days. The move went great.  I drove the U-Haul and did great at it!!! My sister came over from Naples to help out, and she was a huge help in many different ways.  I also had 3 people from work load the truck and then another friend from work came with his twin boys to help unload.  They stayed and put the bunk beds together and put together my new cabinet to store my pantry items.  My girlfriend ran to the store and got them drinks, chips and ice while my sister bought pizza.  I even had a surprise visit from Pat (my other mother) while we were unloading.  It really was a great day and I was to busy to let my emotions get the best of me!  I have a few boxes left to unpack and things to hang on the wall, but it is coming together...

Inner Strength - your survival instinct...  I am so Thankful that I have inner strength, the drive and determination that comes out at that last possible second when you think you have nothing left in you. I am a pretty stubborn person and I won't "allow" things to come crashing down and take away my spirit, I just keep trucking on and on and on like the energizer bunny. Something gets in my way and I either plow right through it like a linebacker or I stuff it down inside and try to deal with it later.  I have to say with my current situation I have taken the bull by the horns and just done what needs to be done as far as getting a place of my own and taking on the bills etc, but the emotional side of it I have stuffed deep down inside of me and it keeps trying to rear it's ugly head the past couple of days.  I am sad about the separation and about how things have turned out, it breaks my heart.  But you go on, I have learned to let go of things.  I am in cont...

This is currently my life...  surrounded by boxes trying to pack everything we need and use and getting rid of the things we don't or can't take because they won't fit.  It will be good to get into a smaller place that is more manageable.  I plan on starting right in with the kids and their chores and establishing rules for keeping things clean and up off the floor.  So I haven't disappeared off the planet, just behind thousands of boxes.