A Mother's Utopia

My heart is heavy, not for any particular reason but for so many minuscule things. The heaviness has made it to where I can't think, I can't concentrate and I just want to sleep. I want to cry but I can't do it and it's not like life is so horrible but it just doesn't meet up to my ridiculous standards. I figured if I wrote it out that maybe I could clear my head and do my homework like I have been trying to do for 2 days but instead slept. Depression sucks and having no one to help pick up the pieces sucks too.  But I have lost faith in people because all they do is hurt you and use you for their gain.  Yes I have acquaintances and I am all for helping people as it helps fill the voids in my life, but they are not allowed to get close to me. I don't allow much down time so that I don't have to take the time to get into my head.  I work full time, have a part time job at church and volunteer at church.  I am in school taking 4 classes (equated to full time...

Originally I thought I was going to get on here and vent about why my mother never picks up the phone to call and talk to me and how our relationship is still so strained.  But then I looked around my house and thought about how blessed I am.  Even with all of the trials I have been through this year, I come out stronger and wiser. I am sad that a year long relationship has come to an end, but we are better off as friends.  He is a wonderful man and was my first healthy relationship where there were no expectations and we didn't want to change each other.  I need to work more on my self love and having less expectations for myself.  We truly are our own worst enemies.   Both of my girls have their best friends over for a New Years sleepover.  My big boy took my little boy to see the Hobbit before he goes to hang out with his friends and in the morning all we are going to see the sun rise with a cup of hot chocolate! The New Year already has so mu...

I got on here tonight not sure what emotions and feelings were bubbling to the surface.  You see as a mother to four children and always having some sort of chaos and "things" to be busy with I have never done well with quiet or down time.  When my husband left a few years ago and then the divorce and shared custody of my younger two children came about I was forced into being alone and quiet time while my older two were with their father every other weekend.  I would literally pull away after dropping them off and sit at the stop sign in tears not knowing where to go or what to do. What was my purpose, who needed me, how was I going to deal with my fear of being alone and not being needed or wanted.  I soon found out how strong my stuffed issues and the voice of my inner child were and didn't know how to suppress them. I found that staying busy with girlfriends and their children helped me get the through the tough times.  I also kept busy at church or made sur...

I don't know what God has planned and I am so very over trying to figure it out.  I am envisioning God driving the motorcycle while I sit in the sidecar.  OK, maybe that is not a very good plan as I am no longer the passive person I once was.  I want to be able to be still and hear the cues from God as to what should be done and where my life should lead.  I know I need to be involved in church and be Christ-like, showing others the love God has shown us.  I know I need to be a strong self sufficient woman who is a role model for those I care about.  I know that I need to be a good mother who raises her children to be strong, loving adults who contribute to society and share the love of God.  I need to be a good daughter, friend and co-worker.  I strive to be those things, to make my parents proud, to have my children look up to me and my friends and co-workers know I would do anything to help in any situation.  But I constantly feel like I...

This is how I feel right now...  like there is a gigantic cloud looming over me and it keeps dumping out bucket loads of water over me!  Yesterday was the day from you know where!   I went to the dentist and find out that I have to have a root canal and a crown which I don't have the money for, and I tell them this.  They tell me to apply for credit care and I will be able to make monthly payments until it is paid off.  OK, sounds like a good idea, until I go home apply and get DENIED!  Now what am I supposed to do with my broken tooth that costs $800.00 to fix... I get a phone call from the processors office that I am going to be served and sued due to non payment of a creditor from 2006 and they wanted to know if I could give them a fair counter offer and settle the dispute.  Hello there people, I dump change to make my rent payments and I can't even fix a broken tooth!  He informed me that they can garnish my wages, put liens...

Not sure how time has slipped through my fingers like it has over the past few months, it has been a crazy whirlwind of a life.  I have been so busy with work, the kids and my head.  It's like I have so much swimming in my head and I am not sure how to process it all or how to deal with the emotions that I have felt.  I am completely off of my Bipolar meds and only on my hormone replacement therapy which seems to be going well.  With being off the Bipolar meds I am experiencing feelings and moods that I am not used to and I have to learn how to handle and control them...  I am so used to being "borderline" and "blah" that these ups and downs are a shock to my system.  Now they are not the Bipolar Manic and Mania ups and downs, they are the ups and downs of life and the things going on around me, processing things and seeing how I really feel and what my opinions are.  It saddens me that I don't have anyone to share these with, but it is the first ...

I haven't been posting much because 1. I don't have internet at home and 2. I have been so swamped at work that I haven't been taking my 15 minute breaks.  Life has been very difficult over the past 2 weeks with living in a new place and trying to get situated and the emotional roller coaster I am on with my husband.  I found out last week that he is seriously considering "renting out" half of the house to a co-worker and her son.  Yup! You know damn well that a guy doesn't just decide to "rent out" half the house to a "co-worker".  He is so self absorbed right now that he isn't even thinking about how that is going to make his children feel.  Can you imagine going to stay with your Dad for the weekend and the house you lived in is completely redone and redecorated and has some strange woman and her kid in it!  I feel so bad for my children.  Once I processed what he is doing it hit me that he has probably built up a relationsh...