A Mother's Utopia

Well, what are you, I mean what AM I going to do about it???  Fuck if I know... In all seriousness, I know I need a game plan because I don't want to slip back into an oasis of darkness.  Been there, done that and honey I don't want to go back.  I was laying in bed last night and the wee hours of the morning and bright and early this morning, I haven't gotten much sleep since moving out of my 3rd husband's house and back to my hometown, but that's a post for another time, and I realized I am so short and snippy with my children.  I don't do it intentionally but I do it a lot, I was even that way with him (3rd husband).  Where did my patience, compassion, and ability to enjoy the moments go?  Should anyone find them, please send them back to me!  I don't want my children to remember me as their cranky, short-fused Momma but the woman who loved them unconditionally and would walk to the ends of the earth for them.  I most absolutely woul...

Perspective -  a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view. It's been a while and after talking with my daughter I remembered this place... a place for my thoughts and feeling to be put someplace other than inside my head.  Sadly, I see that not much has changed.  I thought I had changed my perspective on life and how things happen to pertain to me and how I react to them, but alas they have not!  When does the cycle end, when does it stop.  When do the bouts of depression and sadness dissipate?  I have worked long and hard to become the woman I am, the mother I am, the friend and coworker/employee I am.  Yes, I have moved up in the workforce and yes I have found my voice to stand up for myself but why the continuing depression in my life?    I would love to say it ends here!  To take a stand and say NO MORE, but it is not that easy.  LIFE, LIFE is so unkind and trying.  I grab the small tr...

My go to song when things are just a little to tough and I remember I need to lay down my life.  It's human nature to want to take back control and want to do it all ourselves, but we can't, only he can.

My heart is heavy, not for any particular reason but for so many minuscule things. The heaviness has made it to where I can't think, I can't concentrate and I just want to sleep. I want to cry but I can't do it and it's not like life is so horrible but it just doesn't meet up to my ridiculous standards. I figured if I wrote it out that maybe I could clear my head and do my homework like I have been trying to do for 2 days but instead slept. Depression sucks and having no one to help pick up the pieces sucks too.  But I have lost faith in people because all they do is hurt you and use you for their gain.  Yes I have acquaintances and I am all for helping people as it helps fill the voids in my life, but they are not allowed to get close to me. I don't allow much down time so that I don't have to take the time to get into my head.  I work full time, have a part time job at church and volunteer at church.  I am in school taking 4 classes (equated to full time...

Originally I thought I was going to get on here and vent about why my mother never picks up the phone to call and talk to me and how our relationship is still so strained.  But then I looked around my house and thought about how blessed I am.  Even with all of the trials I have been through this year, I come out stronger and wiser. I am sad that a year long relationship has come to an end, but we are better off as friends.  He is a wonderful man and was my first healthy relationship where there were no expectations and we didn't want to change each other.  I need to work more on my self love and having less expectations for myself.  We truly are our own worst enemies.   Both of my girls have their best friends over for a New Years sleepover.  My big boy took my little boy to see the Hobbit before he goes to hang out with his friends and in the morning all we are going to see the sun rise with a cup of hot chocolate! The New Year already has so mu...

I got on here tonight not sure what emotions and feelings were bubbling to the surface.  You see as a mother to four children and always having some sort of chaos and "things" to be busy with I have never done well with quiet or down time.  When my husband left a few years ago and then the divorce and shared custody of my younger two children came about I was forced into being alone and quiet time while my older two were with their father every other weekend.  I would literally pull away after dropping them off and sit at the stop sign in tears not knowing where to go or what to do. What was my purpose, who needed me, how was I going to deal with my fear of being alone and not being needed or wanted.  I soon found out how strong my stuffed issues and the voice of my inner child were and didn't know how to suppress them. I found that staying busy with girlfriends and their children helped me get the through the tough times.  I also kept busy at church or made sur...

I don't know what God has planned and I am so very over trying to figure it out.  I am envisioning God driving the motorcycle while I sit in the sidecar.  OK, maybe that is not a very good plan as I am no longer the passive person I once was.  I want to be able to be still and hear the cues from God as to what should be done and where my life should lead.  I know I need to be involved in church and be Christ-like, showing others the love God has shown us.  I know I need to be a strong self sufficient woman who is a role model for those I care about.  I know that I need to be a good mother who raises her children to be strong, loving adults who contribute to society and share the love of God.  I need to be a good daughter, friend and co-worker.  I strive to be those things, to make my parents proud, to have my children look up to me and my friends and co-workers know I would do anything to help in any situation.  But I constantly feel like I...