A Mother's Utopia

It seem like  a life time ago... All of these old posts, the things I have experienced, endured and come through in my life time.  Yet some of them still haunt me.  How do we leave them behind, move on and not dwell? I talked with a friend tonight about how someone we mutually know reached out to me asking me if I would reconsider a relationship with my ex-husband.  I didn't think that this really bothered me until I heard about how he feels like he learned from his mistakes, regrets what he did and how he acted and he is still pining after me on social media nearly and year and a half later and is still so sad and con't move on.  The people who are his friends must think I am the biggest bitch!  Ex-husband number 3... like really.  How can someone  I not think it really is them  me and not the other people that is  are broken and just not capable of what ever the rest  majority of the population on earth is capable of? I la...

Yesterday I attended my first writing class.  I have been wanting to attend for a while but free time is a limited commodity in my life.  The atmosphere of the class is warm, welcoming and safe.  The structure of the class is to greet everyone and go around to talk about what is happening in your world and to introduce yourself to any new people.  There is a prompt given which could be selected before the class ever started or it could come from the discussions of the group that may be more beneficial.  Once we receive the prompt we have 30-40 minutes to think and write what comes to mind.  After our writing time, we go around the group and those that want to share can.  It is amazing how one prompt manifests so many different ideas, stories and thoughts to be expressed.  We offer input as to how the other pieces resonated with us, how they made us see things in a different light, or how the style of writing or words used made us feel what th...

I feel like giving and trust work in tandem.   GIVING In some areas giving is easy for me, sometimes it is too easy.  I will give of my time, energy, strength, love (to those who are closest to me), determination and dedication to my workplace and commitments to others to my detriment and decline of health.  Giving of my finances is another story.  Money is tight and a negative bank account is a reoccurring factor the past couple of months.    TRUST That is a hard one.  Let down and disappointment one after another because I trusted people.  They were probably the wrong people to trust and I probably expected more than I should have.  Then again did I really expect more than I should have?  Lately, over the years, my thought process has been if I don't invest in GOD, people or myself I can't be let down.  I have been working on changing that thought process but it is not easy.  I am not going to live in f...

Well, what are you, I mean what AM I going to do about it???  Fuck if I know... In all seriousness, I know I need a game plan because I don't want to slip back into an oasis of darkness.  Been there, done that and honey I don't want to go back.  I was laying in bed last night and the wee hours of the morning and bright and early this morning, I haven't gotten much sleep since moving out of my 3rd husband's house and back to my hometown, but that's a post for another time, and I realized I am so short and snippy with my children.  I don't do it intentionally but I do it a lot, I was even that way with him (3rd husband).  Where did my patience, compassion, and ability to enjoy the moments go?  Should anyone find them, please send them back to me!  I don't want my children to remember me as their cranky, short-fused Momma but the woman who loved them unconditionally and would walk to the ends of the earth for them.  I most absolutely woul...

Perspective -  a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view. It's been a while and after talking with my daughter I remembered this place... a place for my thoughts and feeling to be put someplace other than inside my head.  Sadly, I see that not much has changed.  I thought I had changed my perspective on life and how things happen to pertain to me and how I react to them, but alas they have not!  When does the cycle end, when does it stop.  When do the bouts of depression and sadness dissipate?  I have worked long and hard to become the woman I am, the mother I am, the friend and coworker/employee I am.  Yes, I have moved up in the workforce and yes I have found my voice to stand up for myself but why the continuing depression in my life?    I would love to say it ends here!  To take a stand and say NO MORE, but it is not that easy.  LIFE, LIFE is so unkind and trying.  I grab the small tr...

My go to song when things are just a little to tough and I remember I need to lay down my life.  It's human nature to want to take back control and want to do it all ourselves, but we can't, only he can.

My heart is heavy, not for any particular reason but for so many minuscule things. The heaviness has made it to where I can't think, I can't concentrate and I just want to sleep. I want to cry but I can't do it and it's not like life is so horrible but it just doesn't meet up to my ridiculous standards. I figured if I wrote it out that maybe I could clear my head and do my homework like I have been trying to do for 2 days but instead slept. Depression sucks and having no one to help pick up the pieces sucks too.  But I have lost faith in people because all they do is hurt you and use you for their gain.  Yes I have acquaintances and I am all for helping people as it helps fill the voids in my life, but they are not allowed to get close to me. I don't allow much down time so that I don't have to take the time to get into my head.  I work full time, have a part time job at church and volunteer at church.  I am in school taking 4 classes (equated to full time...

Originally I thought I was going to get on here and vent about why my mother never picks up the phone to call and talk to me and how our relationship is still so strained.  But then I looked around my house and thought about how blessed I am.  Even with all of the trials I have been through this year, I come out stronger and wiser. I am sad that a year long relationship has come to an end, but we are better off as friends.  He is a wonderful man and was my first healthy relationship where there were no expectations and we didn't want to change each other.  I need to work more on my self love and having less expectations for myself.  We truly are our own worst enemies.   Both of my girls have their best friends over for a New Years sleepover.  My big boy took my little boy to see the Hobbit before he goes to hang out with his friends and in the morning all we are going to see the sun rise with a cup of hot chocolate! The New Year already has so mu...

I got on here tonight not sure what emotions and feelings were bubbling to the surface.  You see as a mother to four children and always having some sort of chaos and "things" to be busy with I have never done well with quiet or down time.  When my husband left a few years ago and then the divorce and shared custody of my younger two children came about I was forced into being alone and quiet time while my older two were with their father every other weekend.  I would literally pull away after dropping them off and sit at the stop sign in tears not knowing where to go or what to do. What was my purpose, who needed me, how was I going to deal with my fear of being alone and not being needed or wanted.  I soon found out how strong my stuffed issues and the voice of my inner child were and didn't know how to suppress them. I found that staying busy with girlfriends and their children helped me get the through the tough times.  I also kept busy at church or made sur...

I don't know what God has planned and I am so very over trying to figure it out.  I am envisioning God driving the motorcycle while I sit in the sidecar.  OK, maybe that is not a very good plan as I am no longer the passive person I once was.  I want to be able to be still and hear the cues from God as to what should be done and where my life should lead.  I know I need to be involved in church and be Christ-like, showing others the love God has shown us.  I know I need to be a strong self sufficient woman who is a role model for those I care about.  I know that I need to be a good mother who raises her children to be strong, loving adults who contribute to society and share the love of God.  I need to be a good daughter, friend and co-worker.  I strive to be those things, to make my parents proud, to have my children look up to me and my friends and co-workers know I would do anything to help in any situation.  But I constantly feel like I...

This is how I feel right now...  like there is a gigantic cloud looming over me and it keeps dumping out bucket loads of water over me!  Yesterday was the day from you know where!   I went to the dentist and find out that I have to have a root canal and a crown which I don't have the money for, and I tell them this.  They tell me to apply for credit care and I will be able to make monthly payments until it is paid off.  OK, sounds like a good idea, until I go home apply and get DENIED!  Now what am I supposed to do with my broken tooth that costs $800.00 to fix... I get a phone call from the processors office that I am going to be served and sued due to non payment of a creditor from 2006 and they wanted to know if I could give them a fair counter offer and settle the dispute.  Hello there people, I dump change to make my rent payments and I can't even fix a broken tooth!  He informed me that they can garnish my wages, put liens...

Not sure how time has slipped through my fingers like it has over the past few months, it has been a crazy whirlwind of a life.  I have been so busy with work, the kids and my head.  It's like I have so much swimming in my head and I am not sure how to process it all or how to deal with the emotions that I have felt.  I am completely off of my Bipolar meds and only on my hormone replacement therapy which seems to be going well.  With being off the Bipolar meds I am experiencing feelings and moods that I am not used to and I have to learn how to handle and control them...  I am so used to being "borderline" and "blah" that these ups and downs are a shock to my system.  Now they are not the Bipolar Manic and Mania ups and downs, they are the ups and downs of life and the things going on around me, processing things and seeing how I really feel and what my opinions are.  It saddens me that I don't have anyone to share these with, but it is the first ...

I haven't been posting much because 1. I don't have internet at home and 2. I have been so swamped at work that I haven't been taking my 15 minute breaks.  Life has been very difficult over the past 2 weeks with living in a new place and trying to get situated and the emotional roller coaster I am on with my husband.  I found out last week that he is seriously considering "renting out" half of the house to a co-worker and her son.  Yup! You know damn well that a guy doesn't just decide to "rent out" half the house to a "co-worker".  He is so self absorbed right now that he isn't even thinking about how that is going to make his children feel.  Can you imagine going to stay with your Dad for the weekend and the house you lived in is completely redone and redecorated and has some strange woman and her kid in it!  I feel so bad for my children.  Once I processed what he is doing it hit me that he has probably built up a relationsh...

Where are the days going?  I cannot get over how fast things are happening and how time is flying by. Before I know it summer will be here and the kids will be out of school and I will be stuck working 10 hour days. The move went great.  I drove the U-Haul and did great at it!!! My sister came over from Naples to help out, and she was a huge help in many different ways.  I also had 3 people from work load the truck and then another friend from work came with his twin boys to help unload.  They stayed and put the bunk beds together and put together my new cabinet to store my pantry items.  My girlfriend ran to the store and got them drinks, chips and ice while my sister bought pizza.  I even had a surprise visit from Pat (my other mother) while we were unloading.  It really was a great day and I was to busy to let my emotions get the best of me!  I have a few boxes left to unpack and things to hang on the wall, but it is coming together...

Inner Strength - your survival instinct...  I am so Thankful that I have inner strength, the drive and determination that comes out at that last possible second when you think you have nothing left in you. I am a pretty stubborn person and I won't "allow" things to come crashing down and take away my spirit, I just keep trucking on and on and on like the energizer bunny. Something gets in my way and I either plow right through it like a linebacker or I stuff it down inside and try to deal with it later.  I have to say with my current situation I have taken the bull by the horns and just done what needs to be done as far as getting a place of my own and taking on the bills etc, but the emotional side of it I have stuffed deep down inside of me and it keeps trying to rear it's ugly head the past couple of days.  I am sad about the separation and about how things have turned out, it breaks my heart.  But you go on, I have learned to let go of things.  I am in cont...

This is currently my life...  surrounded by boxes trying to pack everything we need and use and getting rid of the things we don't or can't take because they won't fit.  It will be good to get into a smaller place that is more manageable.  I plan on starting right in with the kids and their chores and establishing rules for keeping things clean and up off the floor.  So I haven't disappeared off the planet, just behind thousands of boxes.

I have my journal and I have my blog and my mind is so bad that I don't know what I write where.  I know I went through the thoughts and put them down someplace but was it in my blog or did I journal it?  And sometimes I think of something so great and by the time I get to my blog or journal, I have forgotten what it is that had me so inspired or what I worked through...  Life is one big ball of peaceful chaos for me lately.  I am at peace but my life is chaotic and crazy, does that even make sense?  I had a garage sale this weekend and did pretty good, I have my first months rent ready, now I just have to come up with the security deposit and last months rent.  After the garage sale I threw everything back in my garage and am going to do it all over again in 2 weeks.  (I really just want House of Hope, Faith Farm or Goodwill to back a truck up to my garage and take it all!) I can't believe in a few weeks I will be moving from a four b...

Today I am Thankful for strength.  It seems like an odd thing to think of to be thankful for, but today that is what comes to mind.  I am Thankful that I have the strength to move on and move forward in my life even when I am dealt a tough hand.  I am Thankful for the strength God has given me to get through these tough situations and that I haven't given up on life like I have had the inclination to do in the past.  I have shown myself that I am a strong and courageous woman and I can handle so much more than I give myself credit for.  I have the strength and make the choice to wake up, and once I have had my coffee, put a smile on my face and be grateful I am here another day.  I am woman, hear me roar!